im freaking angry with my bro and my sis. its nt even my fault at all. and they scolded me for nth. dammit man. cant i even have an entirely gd day?? arggghhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
so angry!!!
i hate it when i gt accussed.
well. the phone just rang and my prob is solved. my bro is still nice. =))
| Thursday, December 30, 2004
realise sm of the girls in the new series of bachelor are quite pretty. and hot. hah. like most guys call it.
will be having a party at my plc tmr. potluck. ayes. its just gna be like a mini class gathering. i dont knw whats all of them gna do at my hs bt yea.
cya all.
today's a slack slack day. daddy bought fried kway teow for lunch. came hm and snacked with alicia on the couch. watching the draggy boring show, alexander. lols.
oh. just wna say smth. i hate the guys selling the mixed vege in the coffee shop just next to my parents shop. man. they're sm lecher. crap.
|
dream of him last night. spent a night with him. at his place. his parents and all were at hm too. bt it wasnt the actual hs tts he's living in. its smwhere different. smwhere which is totally unfamiliar to me. we were slping together. then smtimes his dad wld come in and put stuff on the table.
bahs. super weird dream. with his family?? and well. this wont happen anymre.
nutty.
| Wednesday, December 29, 2004
my legs aching. i think its the same old problem agn.
went blading agn. it was nt bad. sm guy frm skateline attempted to pick me up. bt i was fierce then, and said, "no, cannot." firmly. he asked agn and i gave him the same ans. then. he blade away. i didnt mean to be fierce, or so nasty. the tone just came out in tt way. i felt unhappy. and frustrated. kinda angry. i dont knw why. i cant do the things i told ben and priss. i just knew i cant.
still feeling weak and drained inside me. teared on my way thr agn.
i just need time. and help frm everyone who loves me. just be with me my loved ones.
|
im so afraid of lying on the bed and cant slp.
thr's like anxiety and fear within me.
let me slp tonight. pls.
| Tuesday, December 28, 2004
Avril Lavigne-Fall to pieces
I looked away
Then I looked back at you
You try to say
The things that you can't undo
If I had my way
I'd never get over you
Today is the day
I pray that we make it through
Make it through the fall
Make it through it all
And I don't want to fall to pieces
I just want to sit and stare at you
I don't want to talk about it
And I don't want a conversation
I just want to cry in front of you
I don't want to talk about it
'Cause I'm in love with you
You're the only one
I'd be with 'til the end
When I come undone
You bring me back again
Back under the stars
Back into your arms
And I don't want to fall to pieces
I just want to sit and stare at you
I don't want to talk about it
And I don't want a conversation
I just want to cry in front of you
I don't want to talk about it
'Cause I'm in love with you
Wanna know who you are
Wanna know where to start
I wanna know what this means
Wanna know how you feel
Wanna know what is real
I wanna know everything
Everything
I don't want to fall to pieces
I just want to sit and stare at you
I don't want to talk about it
And I don't want a conversation
I just want to cry in front of you
I don't want to talk about it
And I don't want to fall to pieces
I just want to sit and stare at you
I don't want to talk about it
And I don't want a conversation
I just want to cry in front of you
And I don't want to talk about it
'Cause I'm in love with you
I'm in love with you
'Cause I'm in love with you
I'm in love with you
I'm in love with you
Slipped Away.
Na na, na nana na na
I miss you, miss you so bad
I don't forget you, oh it's so sad
I hope you can hear me
I remember it clearly
The day you slipped away
Was the day I found
It won't be the same, oh
Na na,
na nana na na
I didn't get around to kiss you,
goodbye on the hand
I wish that I could see you again,
I know that I can't,
I hope you can hear me
I remember it clearly
The day, you, slipped away
Was the day I found
it won't be the same, ooh
I have had my wake up
Won't you wake up.
I keep asking why.
I can't take it
It wasn't fake.
It happened you passed by.
Now your gone
now your gone
There you go
There you go
Somewere I can't bring you back
Now your're gone
now your're gone
There you go
There you go
Somewere your not coming back
The day, you, slipped away
Was the day I found
it won't be the same,
No, the day you slipped away
Was the day I found it won't be the same, oh
Na na, na nana na na
I miss you
|
pls. just let me be like this once. please!!
|
im so crushed. so so so crushed. i've nvr cried like tt for so long. the last time i did was the night we broke up.
i cant slp the whole damn night. i kept thinking, and thinking. i took out the necklace, and the ring out finally. had been wearing the ring since we broke up. i dont knw bt it seems like im trying to lie to myself. tt wearing it makes me feel tt ure still connected to me. bt yea. nt anymre. i swear im gna do whatever i can to get over uu. i mean it. whatever. im nt gna talk abt uu here anymre unless necessary. its too much. everyth's too much to take. i've always been tt pathetic and dumb fool pouring my heart out here. i nvr knew hw u feel. i dont have to knw. im nt gna ask ben/jacky abt u anymre. im so hurt. why does this always happen? yea. priss is right, why shld i have tt amt of faith and confidence in uu, my ex-bf. it doesnt matter. perhaps things are like what she said, i havent woke up yet. secretly, im still hoping tt u care, hoping i still have a special place in ur heart. bt, nt anymre. this is enough. right. im in no place to say anyth abt this. u live ur life the way u want to. however, im so hurt. it hurts too much. nobody understands. why?? why and how can u capture my heart and mind so much? why does all these happen time and time? why am i always falling, and falling?? why do u have to make those promises at tt time? just to make me feel better? i dont need any sweet things tt are said just to make me feel better. because, its also because of all those sweet things, tt makes me fall so hard. tt cuts so deep in the broken heart.
my heart aches like hell. i swear it does. u will nvr knw hw i will. nvr!!!
im one blardy loser here. get me out of this pls!
| Monday, December 27, 2004
hadnt been too gd. bt my mood cheered up abit due to sm special and magical ppl in my life. i love them! they're my family.
accompanied priss to town for awhile. talked alot. hais. there was once where i saw smone tt so looked like him. and i sprang onto priss. i hugged her arm and shrieked. wasnt too loud tho. and of cos, before i knew it, tears start welling up in my eyes. i swear if i had seen him on the streets today, i'll probably start crying right there, in front of him. i was feeling freaking weak today. freaking weak and i mean it. duhduh. bt yea. im fine nw. =))
good for uu priss. yea. bt, agn, u must knw what ure getting into? i dont want to see u down agn.
how many times have i told myself im nt gna cry because of uu agn?
whether smone's worthy of ur love, is for u to decide, not for anyone to tell u. whatever anyone else says is nth, bt crap. u knw whether ure worth tt person's love, and tt person who's in love with uu, will tell uu, and decide, hw impt u are exactly to him/her. if he/she truly loves uu, then, ure worth much mre than u think u are.
cherish the ppl ard uu. the ppl u love. because, when u've lost them, then u will start to realise, hw impt they are to uu. hw much ur life is connected to them. hw much u need them.
partially why i said this is due to the earthquake erupted in indo.
| Sunday, December 26, 2004
Can't Help Falling In Love. Elvis Presley.
Wise men say, only fools rush in
But I can't help, falling in love with you
Shall I stay, would it be a sin
If I can't help, falling in love with you
Like a river flows, surely to the sea
Darling so it goes, some things are meant to be
Take my hand, take my whole life too
For I can't help, falling in love with you
Like a river flows, surely to the sea
Darling so it goes, some things are meant to be
Take my hand, take my whole life too
For I can't help, falling in love with you
For I can't help, falling in love with you
|
dang. i dont knw what to say.
its gna be a new yr soon and im still here.
why are things this way?
im bored. bored. bored.
im curious.
lalalalalalallalalla. dumdeedeedum.
|
"hey. Merry x'mas!!" as i pass u the present. u took it. smiled. as we look at each other in the eye, i took a step forward and kissed u passionately on ur lovely lips. give you a hug, a sweet smile and slowly walk away.
this is just the simple scenario tt i wanted.
why does touching the bear makes me feel like im touching uu? why does hugging it makes me feel like im hugging uu? Why does it make me cry?
goodbye.
| Saturday, December 25, 2004
hmm. u two seem fated.
am slpy nw. going to bed after i type this. its considered gd tt i can last the whole day. with abt 2-3 hrs of disturbed slp. and a disturbed night the day b4 y'dae. going to the shop tmr too. after i have enough slp tt is.
i think i sound harsh in the previous entry. darn. i think im weird. i think im dumb. i think im nutty?? bahs. i don't rrly knw what im talking abt. im nt feeling gd agn.
|
MERRY X'MAS!!!
i dont knw hw to type this entry. at all. shall try doing this step by step, slowly.
all i wanted was a simple msg frm uu. to wish me a merry x'mas. tt was all. bt thr wasnt any. yh msged priss, wl msged gi even tho he's is m'sia and what abt me?? when uu were the one tt promised me last time tt u will still care abt me. are all those lies? where are all ur promises? why are they nt thr anymre? do uu knw hw i feel? u dont even want tt x'mas present frm me? this is gna be the last present for this yr. maybe the last present forever. if its tt u dont wna meet me, i alrdy gt ben to pass. just accept. pls. if nt. i'll get ben to throw everyth away. if tt's what u want.
it was suppose to be a rrly rrly good day y'dae. bt it wasnt totally.
mt jacky and went for the drama. it was great! everyth was great! sang. laughed. enjoyed. made abit of friends. talked to ben and everyone else when we were walking back to the mrt. headed town to mt my friends. it was sooo crowded. everyone was spraying the foams and crazy ribbon. total madness. there was one part where i gt taken advantage of?? i was shocked and all i did was look at him. mental block. alot of pushing. and everyth luhh. walked to ps. ohh. we gang up and spray ppl who atttack either one of us. went to newton to eat. then me and priss headed to my sis's hs to slp. slept like 5 plus and woke up at ard 8 plus. it wasnt a good slp. woke up many times. talk abit and went back to slp agn. took a bus hm ard 11 plus back to my hs. sis wasnt awake yet. yea.tts all.
i kept thinking abt uu y'dae. the whole time. esp when i was at the drama. and what abt uu? do u even think abt me?
im a pathetic loser.
no holding back anymre, tina.
| Thursday, December 23, 2004
fucked up.
it was suppose to be a rrly gd day. i bought like 100plus bucks of clothes from mango?!
ure still the only one tt makes me feel like im in heaven and also the one tt makes me feel like im in hell.
have smth on tmr too. i dont knw what will happen after tt. im nt interested to knw. im nt interested abt anyth nw. im nt even excited abt tmr anymre. i dont wna celebrate x'mas anymre.
*screams!!!! why!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
|
why does my heartache? it shldnt be aching. i shld be happy rights? shucks.
been having nightmares. the night before yesterday, i dream of him bumping into him with his friends and he ignore me. nt tt im expecting him to come up and hug me bt just to say hi? smth like tt. then last night i had another one, which i cant remember nw. just smth bad. u wldnt call it nightmare otherwise. urhs. smth tt concerns him. so yea. gt to prepare soon. going shopping!!
shld i go for city harvest's play tmr??
| Wednesday, December 22, 2004
thr's no mre tina and nelson's love nest in kenneth's blog. hah.
having a headache!! since smtime ago. i hate this. makes me giddy.
havent been doing anyth. woke up early, probably because i slept earlier last night. went to the shop to help out for the whole day. priss and amanda wanted me to go yishun with them bt i decided to stay instead.
wee. going mango shopping tmr. they're having sales. hopefully i can get sm good stuff.
oh yah. did i mention i saw steph song yesterday? she was standing right in front of me and priss. we smiled to each other. hahas. wassup with me and these stars man??
do i want? or do i not want? bahs.
| Tuesday, December 21, 2004
learnt a simple new trick today. so yea. am quite happy. hmmm. maybe going to ecp shld start becoming a weekly event. =))
there were a few good looking ppl today. and all are very very good bladers. like wow. its rrly interesting to watch those experts skate. they're cool.
this is the first time i go to ecp alone with a friend other than him. and tts priss. told her she shld be honoured. *grins.
went down town ard 4 plus. we wanted to get sm stuff. went to surfbabe, wanting to get tt tee tt i like. guess u knw what happened. its gone!!!! $%#$@%%*^$ hahas. and ms prissy went, "see, told you to get it the other time." bahs.
i had a strong feeling tt i'll mt u today. bd i didnt. did u see me?? i dont think so.
hmm. its quite likely that u stop reading my blog alrdy. yup. i guess.
| Monday, December 20, 2004
i sound soooooooo pathetic in tt previous entry. i must be crazy then. rrly. i think im crazy. bd yea. im well nw. hahas. i think i am so much better. uu will always get well after breaking down ehs.
went christmas shopping today. spent sm money. gna spend mre. nt tt im rich just tt, im in the mood to spend, and spend. hmm. im like taking christmas as an excuse to shop. hahas. it was just a simple day. anyway, am going ecp agn tmr. work it out tina!!
| Saturday, December 18, 2004
there wld be no mre u and me in uniform. there wld be no mre laughter, fun, jokes created by us. there wld be no mre u cooking spagetti for me. there wld be no mre u cooking cheese marcaroni for me. there wld be no mre cuddling on the couch and watching tv together. there wld be no mre u forcing me to eat my medicine. there wld be no mre quarrels between us. there wld be no mre unhappiness tt i've created for uu. there wld be no mre u getting upset and angry with me because of the nonsensical things tt i've done. there wld be no mre u hugging me. there wld be no mre u kissing me. there wld be no mre u saying hw much u love me. there wld be no mre u cleaning my tears away and telling me tt uu wont leave me and that everyth is alright. there would be no mre nelson and tina. we're no longer an item. all gone.
now. everyth can be created between u and another special someone. nt saying tt it'll be any sooner. i rrly dont knw. bd it will happen yea? it hurts me nw. though ur life no longer concerns mine.
im crashing down agn. tt familiar heartache tt i've experiencedd b4. because of losing uu agn. thought i was going up bt i guess im wrong.
i dont wna type all these. it doesnt do us any gd. bt. i cant help it. do u understand? hw do u exactly feel nw? are u rrrly happy with ur life? if u are. that's rrly great. all i want is to see u happy. its from my heart.
just this once. let me be this way. i dont wna be strong anymre. i dont wna act. i dont wna smile. i dont wna talk to anyone right nw.
this is the right and the only way out-
| Friday, December 17, 2004
went to get my hair cut finally at kimage. ps. wanted to give it a try. waited for a long time. bd well, the hair cut was nt bad. a slight change. pretty okay. might go thr in future.
had deserts at nydc heeren after tt. damn. i feel tt i've been spending alot of money of food. hahas. bd yea. it was gd. fifi went back after tt. me and priss shopped for awhile mre. then yea. i headed back.
i was telling my mum tt one of the customers look like his mum. then we talked abit. and my mum actually recog her when we went to sch for meet the parents session. tt shocked me. mummy asked me agn if im still talking to him. told her tt we broke up. im happy my mum is understanding. =))
mum says my new haircut is nice. hee.
smsed u last night. and yea.
actually, had been trying nt to type this, nt to tell anyone this. bd. i cant help it.
i miss u a blardy whole lot!! oh god.
| Thursday, December 16, 2004
I'll Stand By You. Girls Aloud.
Oh, why you look so sad?
Tears are in your eyes
Come on and come to me now
Don’t be ashamed to cry
Let me see you through
Cause I’ve seen the dark side too
When the night falls on you
You don’t know what to do
Nothing you confess
Could make me love you less
I’ll stand by you
I’ll stand by you
Won’t let nobody hurt you
I’ll stand by you
So if you’re mad, get mad
Don’t hold it all inside
Come on and talk to me now
Hey, what you got to hide?
I get angry too
Well I’m a lot like you
When you’re standing at the crossroads
And don’t know which path to choose
Let me come along
Cause even if you’re wrong
I’ll stand by you
I’ll stand by you
Won’t let nobody hurt you
I’ll stand by you
Take me in, into your darkest hour
And I’ll never desert you
I’ll stand by you
And when…
When the night falls on you baby
You’re feeling all alone
You won’t be on your own
I’ll stand by you
I’ll stand by you
Won’t let nobody hurt you
I’ll stand by you
Take me in, into your darkest hour
And I’ll never desert you
I’ll stand by you
I’ll stand by you
Won’t let nobody hurt you
I’ll stand by you
Won’t let nobody hurt you
I’ll stand by you
yup. i'll do the same. by this time round. just as a friend. always thr. anytime. =))
|
cycled to nuovo to suntan and swim agn. it was pretty alright.
went to amk library alone in the afternoon. walked hm after tt. thought abt alot alot of things and yea. mood was pretty affected. quite bad actually.
had cheese fries for supper just nw. it wasnt as tasty as before. it was boring actually. it seemed mre than usual. do u knw why??
ure going camp tmr. take care of urself. have fun. drink water.
might be cutting my hair tmr. cya!
| Wednesday, December 15, 2004
just remembered. did i mention i saw felicia? the one frm the show the champions, yesterday?? hahas. who willl be the next one i see?? first i saw jeanette, then fionia and felicia yesterday. hah. funny shit.
| Tuesday, December 14, 2004
a great day indeed. been out almost like 12hrs. man. long day yea?? its the best day so far after the break up.
as i said in the previous entry. went rollerblading with priss and fifi. laughed alot. talked alot. teased alot. yea. its was fun. no elaboration needed i guess.
headed on to town for dinner. pasta mania at cine. we were damn casual bd well, who cares yea. like what i told priss. we dress hw we wna dress. saw jon at cine and agn at mrt station. then bumped into peiwen, huiting and wen hui in the train. yada yada. laughed alot agn in the train. just seemed like 3 crazy women.
saw my sis in law's sis with her friend when i was on my way back to the shop. talked abit. and her sis even asked me where's ur bf. saying tt she even caught us thrice. then i say, ohh, we broke up alrdy. she looked quite shock and went, huh. so fast ah. so i replied. urhs. actually quite smtime alrdy. then yah.
end of day-
why do i nt have a very gd feeling abt smth?? i dont like hw im feeling.
| Monday, December 13, 2004
just cut my nails. and believe it or nt. he was the one tt told me thr are two diff sides in a nailclipper. he was the one tt taught me hw to use a nailclipper the right way. hahas. im silly aight??
anyway. today was a sinful, sinful day. mt priss like 2 plus and fifi like 3 and we headed to the nydc outside heeren. it was okay. sinful because we had ice cream, brownies, and mudpies. its nice, rrly tasty and rrly sinful. bd yea. once in awhile, so shld be ok i guess. hahas. bd then agn, i feel fat. boo. booo. urhs. okay. and we tried quite abit of clothes. tt was quite fun. bummed into charlene at mango and yada yada. mood changed quite abit after tt due to sm reasons. so yea.
alrights. blading tmr. hope if doesnt rain. pls. anyone heading thr?? or wna head dwn thr?? cya thr!!! did i mention where? ecp. yup. tt's it.
|
am going out agn. with prissy. bd have no idea where. hah. urhs. maybe to the new nydc outside heeren?? i dont knw.
i wna shop!!! any well wisher wna donate sm money to me??
wink-
| Sunday, December 12, 2004
am in the midst of shifting all my clothes into my wardrobe.
thinking if i shld go over to my sis's place. was supposed to go down to town to mt them just nw bd my mum was alone at hm. decided to stay back and accompany her. i hate it when im so indecisive. shld i go over?? hais.
i feel like going rollerblading tmr!! i want the sun. i wna blade. bd. i dont knw. priss can only go after 12 and i dont knw who else to ask. going on tues tho. at least i think so. hais. maybe will call up ccf at kk. wna do sm volunteer work before i get a job. had been dragging. erms. went over to the shop to help and my regular customer came. she bought like $86 this time round. nt too bad. so i went to amk central with my mum before going to my grandma's hs. wna accompany her since im free and i havent been thr for a long time. tried the mac new grilled chicken foldover for lunch. its quite a big serving and yea. i didnt finish. thought of uu. when i saw the advertisement i thought of uu because i knew we wld go and try tt together if we were to be together. when we were on our way thr, in the bus, i was telling my mum tt for today and yesterday, my mood was slightly better. and she asked me what happened. why was i like upset, and all. for the past weeks. like the exam period too. why i always cry and all. and then yes, i told her abt me and him. the truth. told her tt many teachers knew abt us. abit here and thr. and of cos, i told her tt we're no longer rrly in contact anymre. she didnt say much. so yah. guess tt's abt it. was sad when i talked abt it. bd yah. im fine. see. im fine.
actually i feel tt i've accomplished another thing because i once told u tt i will tell my mum abt us. and yes. i did. 'cept tt nw we're nt together. bd well, its okay. in a way, i feel gd tt i said it.
goodnight.
| Saturday, December 11, 2004
wondering if i shld go for tt netball carnival tmr. to watch them play. hais. i just cant make up my mind.
cycled to my bro's hs today to swim. wanted to suntan bd when i reached thr. the sun's gone. bd yea. its okay. cycled to my parents shop. mt priss for lunch. dad drove me and my maid hm. i watched tv. slept. and went back to the shop to help. just a rather relax day. nth much. pretty gd.
finally. i gt my rm back. all by myself nw. bro moved to his own hs. and sis occasionally here and thr. its nw just me and my parents and my maid in this hs. bahs. quite boring, quite lonely, quite quiet. used to think i wld like it this way because there will lesser nagging bd yea. i dont like it at all nw. plus. last time. i was with him. sometimes my bro like to disturb me when im talking on the phone. somethings here and thr. nw tt im nt. it doesnt matter whether i have the phone or not. i dont even plug it in anymre. since very lng ago. doesnt matter whether they're at hm or nt. i'd rather them be at hm. i have smone to talk to. seriously, many things doesnt matter nw. no longer does.
im just a simple, very ordinary girl. im nt very smart, im nt very pretty, im nt very talented, im nt very interesting, im nt very rich, im nt very..i dont knw. im just ordinary and plain. im just who i am. alright?
| Friday, December 10, 2004
tata.
as promised. here are mre things i wna share.
Love
When you open this book here, it is a wonderful opportunity to discover the real nature of love and to welcome it into ur life.
Love is talked about, written about and sung abt endlessly. We hear abt romantic love, love at first sight, flowers and proposals. We hear about the excitement, the thrill and the joy of lov, or the pain, hurt and sadness when it goes wrong. And when we come to expect tt if we are feeling these emotions we are experiencing love.
But none of these images and descriptions explains the true meaning of love, and because of this we look for love without any idea of what it is and what it will rrly mean for us either to give or to receive it. Are uu searching for an idealised version of love? DO uu feel you love someone without rrly knowing who they rrly are? Do you say uu love someone you dont like or trust? Then it is time to look at what uu rrly knw and understand about love. Remember tt love develops over time. It's not appropriate to open ur inner self to someone you have just met, no matter how attracted to them uu are. For real love to develop both partners must be willing to enter into the r/s and grow and learn together. Love isnt chasing after someone who is running away from uu; it isnt letting urself be smothered, hurt or put down and it isnt going alng with what someone else wants. Love is best taken slowly, so give urself time to get to knw the other person and to judge whether they are worthy of the love you have to give. Are uu bth ready to commit to the challenge of nurturing and sharing a growing love?
Loving another person means going behind the public shop window you present, where uu display what uu feel is acceptable abt urself and instead uu share the fears, doubts, dreams and hopes you keep locked away. It involves being brave, honest and open and letting another person get to knw the parts of uu which uu feel are least loveable and acceptable. It means opening ur most vulnerable inner self and learning to trust someone enough to let them come close and then even closer.
Being in a loving r/s with another person involves taking responsibility for urself and accepting ur responsibility towards the one uu love. It means accepting tt their feelings, beliefs and wishes are diff from urs but just as valid, and letting go of trying to change them.
Above all love is knowing and being known for who uu truly are with complete acceptance. To knw another end and to let urself to be known in this way is the most rewarding, joyous and nourishing experience life has to offer.
Control
When uu open this bk here it is time to look at the issue of control in ur love life. Controlling behaviour involves us making an effort to rule and direct how others think and feel as well as what they do. Although we have a hundred justifications for why we are being so controlling, we actually do it to make ourselves feel safe.
As children we had no control over what happened to us. If things were painful, difficult or frightening we were at the mercy of the adults around us. As we grew to be adults, we responded to this by finding ways of controlling ourselves and others. But being in a loving r/s means tt we cant control things in the way tt we can when we are alone. It reminds us of our childhood pain and we react to it by desperately trying to control our partners and they us. Pay attention to how uu interfere in ur partner's life and they in urs. How they dress, eat or run their lives is none of ur business and vice versa. uu are only responsible for urself and for dealing with they way tt their behaviour and choices affect uu. Most impt of all, believe tt u can feel safe w/o trying to control everyth ard uu. A sense of safety comes frm inside, not outside urself.
Now is it the time to look at the way uu relate to others. Do uu bully or sulk to get what uu wan? Do uu get sick, complain or act helpless w/o realising or admitting how manipulate this is? Do uu always think tt ur way is the best or the only way? These are all ways of attempting to control.
Accept tt u have no power over others and tt uu can only control urself. Step back and let others be who and what they are. Their choices are their own. If they pull away, let them go, even though it may cause uu pain. If they treat uu badly uu cant make them change. Real love will only come to uu from someone who is with uu because they want to be, who treats uu well because they want to.
If uu are single and looking for love but not succeeding uu need to realise tt uu are in control of this. It's easy to blame fate or bad luck but in fact uu are picking ppl exactly because it wont work or because they're unavailable. Or, uu are rejecting perfectly suitable partners on trumped up reasoning. Doing this kps uu out of r/s, which is simply a way to stay in control. So start to behave towards others with generosity and to respect who they are. In this way uu will draw ur love to uu, not through control, but through giving love urself.
radio's playing 1985. used to be ur fav song. i wonder if u still like it. hmm. yea. these are two things i wna share. its quite meaningful if u read it carefully. think through while uu read. anyway, havent done anyth much today. the appointment today in town was alright. urhs. bd yea. i dont knw. hais. alrights. ehs. how's everyone?? hahas. as if anyone will ans me. darn. im having a real bad headache agn. guess im gna fall ill agn. i feel it coming. maybe tmr. havent been drinking enough water too. i seem to be drinking lesser and lesser. some days nt even a cup a day. very bad yea?? actually since... bahs. bd well, its me who's gna suffer. no one knws too. until i type it dwn here. oppsie. i just spilled a secret.
darn. i've been eating today. ahhh....
| Thursday, December 09, 2004
i actually just accidentally deleted everyth tt i've typed. ahh. shall start agn. somethings i wna share. its gna be a quite a long entry.
Trust
When you open this book here, you need to have faith in this relationship or the potential for a relationship. Trust that the future will be well. That any diffculties will be resolved and that your dreams will be realised.
We all create our own realities with our beliefs and expectations. This is telling you that you can have what you want if you trust that you can.
This brings our attention to the importance of trust between two people in order for them to have a successful relationship together. You need to be able to trust each other and both of you need to behave in a manner which is worthy of this trust. Make sure you are absolutely clear what you are trusting each other about and then offer the gift of trust and worthy behaviour to each other. If your trust has been damaged in the past, deal with your feelings about this now. You can learn to trust again. Base on your trust on your true experience. Do not trust blindly, find someone worthy of you to redevelop this part of your nature. Start by developing trust in yourself. Be who you say you are. Be consistent and honest, reliable and true.
If you are struggling with anything right now then trust that you will soon see the benefits of your struggle. Remember that spring always follow winter. Out of struggle comes new growth.
What you focus on grows. Put all of your energies into envisaging the outcome that you desire, while trusting that the results will be materialise. Don't try to manipulate, this is about trust not effort. We don't always get the outcome we want or expect, but what we do get always shows itself to be for the best in the long run. Organise yourself now to be ready for that which you are trusting to occur. Don't wait for it to happen before you prepare. What we anticipate is drawn to us and trusting that we will get what we want is part of this process. See it as already accomplished. When you order food in a restaurant you don't go in the kitchen to check it will be cooked. You trust it will arrive at your table and it does.
Assume your dreeams are already in the cosmic kitchen and be ready for when they appear, as they surely will.
Acceptance
When you open this book here, the message is very important. Is it about letting those that we have relationships with, be themselves-accepting who they really are.
It's a tall order. Mostly when we have relationships we want to change the other person to who we want them to be, regardless of who they really are. Acceptance is asking you to stop this. Trying to change someone we're having a relationship with doesnt work for themm and it doesnt work for you. If you want someone to be different, then have the relationship with someone else who is already what you want. If you really want the relationship with this specific person, then you need to accept them as they are. If they wish to change themselves it is their business and their responsibility. You have no power over anyone else. So the sooner you accept who they are and how they are, the better.
What you do have power is your reaction to who the other person is. Yu can find it acceptable to who the other person is. You can find it acceptable and you can tell them this. But rememeber, what they do with that information is up to them. You need to accept this too. Stop denying who they are or pretending they're someone they're not.
If you ask someone kindly and specifically to change a particular behaviour, they may have the goodwill to do so. Appreciate this and support them. But if they won't, they won't. Step back and have a good look at who this person really is and accept it. Remember much of what may need to change will actually be you and your behaviour. It's always easier to put the focus on someone else.
We are all perfect, exactky as we are, with all of our faults and endearing qualities. Stop trying to force someone untidy to become tidy, or someone dishonest to be honest, or someone lively to be quiet. Enjoy who they are or move away from them and move on, but stop trying to change them. Then maybe you can begin to accept who you really are too and have the confidence to declare it. Then you can be appreciated by those who accept you for you and let go for those who don't.
there's much more. maybe i'll continue tmr.
was quite pissed for awhile in the afternoon. met priss. went for hokkien mee at the nearby coffee shop and we headed to town. shopped for awhile and headed to the library. went down to tanjong pagar. somethings happened. quite complicated. shant bother to explain bd yea. its over nw. and now im here. have to head down town agn for awhile tmr in the afternoon. have an appointment. yea. shall check tt out to see whether tt's a scam or what so ever.
ciaos
| Wednesday, December 08, 2004
i just came hm nt too long ago. am going to bed real soon. very slpy.
the trip thr was ok. bd inside didnt feel too gd. i felt lost and sad. the place tt i was so used to, the place tt i love so much, nw becomes a place where i feel lost in. i had so many things on my mind when i was on my way thr. like, the last time i went thr was with him. tt was when i had one of the greatest moments during the r/s and also in my life. i felt awkward when im thr nw. out of place. real sad. was teary for quite a few times. bd well. i aint gna cry.
other than hw i was feeling, everyth else was ok. anyway guess i didnt mention who went. rai. priss. yuan. rai's bf is nt bad looking. he and his two brothers joined us. suntanned. talked in the water. then it rained quite a few times. it was cold. and yea. thought of stuff agn. bahs. after de rain, all of us swam to the platform in the middle. rotted thr for awhile and yea. nth much luhhs. just slacking. and slacking and slacking.
im not typing anymre....
ure coming back today. i hope u've enjoyed urself. take care. drink mre water.
|
yes. my hair's dyed. dont quite like the color bd its okay.
slpt at like 3a.m. last night and im up so early. be heading dwn to sentosa soon. its like im first time going in this hols. boooo. dont like this. it's the first place i wna go after and the exams and im thr finally like in the third week. was supposedly going in the first week, bd yah. hopefully today's gna be alright.
i aint feeling good. learned abt somethings yesterday. yada yada yada....
i dont wna think abt all those stuff anymre.
why???
ouch~
| Monday, December 06, 2004
was out agn today. i rrly had been going out everyday. went shopping! and movies. without a paddle. the movie wasnt fantastic. it was ok. wasnt exactly good. i mean tt's like my opinion.
bought a new pair of sunglasses. did i even mention tt i lost my old pair? i didnt exactly lose mine. i left it in the cinema and i was too lazy to go back and take it. ayes. its cheap. so its ok. was quite tired at the end of the day. i wonder why it seemed as tho i spent alot.
going priss's friend hs to get my hair dyed. hopefully its nice. nt gna dye it too bright tho. probably near to the color of my hair.
finally my mum agreed to let me to get a job. hah. im looking for one. yea.
why do i think i sound crazy?? who's so desperate to go out and get ordered ard when he/she can help his/her own family business?
bahs. im bored.
damn. im having gastric agn. bd i ate!
| Sunday, December 05, 2004
priss called me last night to talk to me. i was quite bad man. talked talked for abt an hr or so. and on my hp agn. my hs phone's nt working.
am having sore throat and a very bad headache. gna cook up a dish ltr. for tea break? someth like a new kind of fried popiah. hahas. wonder hw it will be.
|
frm kong's blog
| have you ever | |
| started a small scale revolution | nope |
| tackled an athlete playing a game while you were a spectator | nope |
| been arrested, what for? | naa. |
| used a rhyming dictionary | i nvr knew thr's sucha thing |
| been suspended, what for? | naa |
| impersonated the pope | nope |
| shook hands with the devil | who's de devil? |
| created one of these quizes? | naa. |
| single handedly collapsed a nations economy? | hahahas. this is funny. duh |
| tell me more about yourself | |
| forget your name, what name do you go by | bebe |
| what name do you wish you went by | nvr actually thought abt this before |
| what color do you wish your hair was | brunette? smth dark but not black tho |
| and your eyes? | anyth tt matches my hair? |
| what do you want to be when you grow up? | anyth tt i can be?? |
| who is your role model? besides me | did i even consider uu as my role model? |
| whats your favorite... | |
| 3 bands | simple plan. yada yada. no special one actually |
| 3 song | no fav |
| 3 movies | quite a few. |
| 3 books | whatever |
| color | orange. red. black. whte. i love colors |
| day of the week | friday |
| way to say \ | ?? |
| time of day | in the night. |
| time of year | anytime after exams. |
| holiday | whatever hols. |
| would you... | |
| become a vampire and be eternally damned | nuhh |
| make someone else one | perhaps |
| would you make me one? | i will get to knw u first |
| do something just because you said you would | maybe.. |
| go back and change time, not knowing the effect it would have | yea. worth a try |
| sights unseen | |
| do you believe in god | hmm... |
| or fate? | yeap. i guess |
| how bout satan? | if thr's god thr's satan |
| heaven, hell? | maybe |
| if there\'s a hell are you going there? | if i deserve to |
| believe in ghosts? | smwhat |
| life on other planets | yea |
| wicca? | hmm. interesting. what the heck is this?! |
| magick in general | not rrly |
| heart on your sleeve | |
| ever been in love? | yea |
| are you now? | in love with somebody tt's nt here anymre. |
| would you die for that person? | maybe.. |
| do you have a super-heroe complex? | no. |
| are you getting over it? | trying to. in the process |
| have you ever held your true feelings inside you? | yes |
| sucks dont it? | sometimes |
| are you talking to yourself zen? | ?? |
| finish the following... | |
| if love is for suckers... | then im a sucker |
| if there is a hell... | then thr's heaven |
| if you lose everything... | i'll cry and try to bring everyth back agn. |
| if no one's there... | then i'll have to depend on myself |
| more questions | |
| how many people in your life have you hated | i dont actually hate anyone. bd yes. i do dislike sm ppl |
| and loved? | many. family. friends. him |
| and lied to...tough question? | a couple. |
| say what you think when you read these words | |
| buddha | tt gold and bronze statue |
| zen | ? |
| love | him |
| religion | him |
| life | him |
| good | times |
| tear | frequently |
| botchla? | urhs.. |
| flame | the red and yellow leaves? flame tree |
| fall | summer. then fall in love |
| blood | suicide |
| angel | hopefully thr's one. |
| outcast | sometimes i do feel like one |
| scars | getting hurt badly |
| awaken | from my dreams. from memories. sun |
| scream | beach |
| paul | dickson?? forgot who he is. is thr even such a guy? |
| mosh | moshi |
| hurt | love. him |
| rainbow | sun |
| thurpl3 | - |
| punk | simple plan |
| america | cool. fun. holiday |
| fascism | wow |
| rick | ehs? |
| music | him |
| hitler | man. he's bad. blood |
| silver | ring |
| this is the end | |
| what will be your last words | what am i doing here? |
| quote the bible | i dont knw |
| quoth the raven | i dont knw |
| Saturday, December 04, 2004
life's pretty bad nw. and where are uu when i needed u most? if ure still in my life. guess things will nvr be this bad. everyth, everyth seems to be screwed. this is not the hols tt i've planned. why cant it be troublefree?? why cant it be hw it was like in june? why do i feel so lousy? why am i crying so hard in front of the com and no one is concern? why is tt there's no one to clean my tears away needless to say kiss my tears away? WHY THE HECK ARE THINGS LIKE THAT? why do i have to tell myself everyday without fail, tt tmr will be a better day despite everyth tt's happening? why am i always living in denial? why do i seem to be doing this all the time?
why doesnt anyone seem to understand me? maybe some do. bd how much do they understand huh?
i dread this kinda life. i wna run. and run. i wna leave everyth.
its fuckedd' up. so fuckedd up.
|
looking at our photos and looking at those msges tt u sent me brought me back to those times. each photo and each msg rake up many sweet memories. at tt exact time and place. i seem to be able to feel you in my arms agn. rrly. it felt tt close. it feels good. then *snap. everyth is gone. this always happens. those promises tt u've made. i dont knw. moreover, i will no longer be the only one tt u're gna be concern abt. the only one u love. do uu understand all these? do u understand hw i feel and all??
damn.
i dont knw what to say................
drifting off-
|
just came back frm my sis's place. i went over yesterday after i typed tt previous entry. i needed a break.
went thr. bathed. lie on the sofa and watched vcds with my sis. we were like munching away. had beer. cheese sausages. carrot and tomato with mayo. coke. ice cream. man. sinful. bd it feels good. brother-in-law and 3 of his friends were playing mahjiong in my rm. hahas. we watched and they played till abt 3 plus then they've decided to go out for supper at jln kayu. didnt wna go bd i cant stay hm alone, so, i just gt to follow. one of their friends mentioned nel. then my bro-in-law nudged him. my sis went, dont mention him alrdy. its over. bahs. i was just quiet all the way. then he asked me hw he knew me and all. he acted abit. tt part was quite funny. then they started talking abt other things.
slpt at ard 5 plus 6 i guess. didnt slp well agn. woke a few times. then finally decided to get out of bed ard 10 plus. watched vcd agn. checked my phone and i realised its him. telling me his leaving for hk. i thought it was in the night. was planning to sms him then. bd yea. didnt expect him to msg me to inform me. a pleasant surprise indeed. bd agn, it felt bad in a way. lonely. dont knw if anyone will understand. then fifi msged me to ask me to take care and all because she's leaving for vietnam tmr morning. she asked me and priss to hang out mre and take care of each other. man. i felt sad. like everyone tt's close to me is leaving me. tt feeling suck aight.
then the bth of them woke up. made breakfast and ate breakfast. lazed ard and nw. im back.
going grandma's for dinner ltr. its her bdae.
damn. i feel fat after eating so much. and thr's like a sudden pimples outbreak. my dark circles bad too.
im ugly. boo.
| Friday, December 03, 2004
fucked up.
went swimming and suntanning in the morning with priss, tifi and ming yuan. saw tt pervert agn. the same one tt me and priss saw the other day. he's an ass man. went for lunch then to tifi's hs to play mahjiong. i played with her dog. its sooooo cute. super cute. hahas. went back to the shop after tt. nth much. its just screwed up. bahs.
anyway, priss. we've just gt to learn to be strong. afterall, nw tt everyth is gone, its all up to us nw. we decide our own fate. we have to start living for ourselves. its time. u have to be strong. our promise ehs. =))
im 2 diff person in the day and in the night. WHAT THE HECK IS WRONG WITH ME??
|
i deleted our pics. and changed my friendster profile. i guess its time for all these clearing up to be done.
| Thursday, December 02, 2004
actually i thought u wld call to thank me. bd yah. its okay. only intention was to make sure u've received it and tt u like it. nth else.
it wasnt easy making tt present. teared a few times. i had to recollect, and read all the msges agn. and write it down. so many things went through my mind. it was tough. it was "freshly baked". wanted to do it today because its sm meaningful day. if we hadnt broke up, it wld be 8mths. well, actually today, then i wld consider tt things are finally over between us because i have fufilled all my promises. yea. i cant describe hw im feeling nw. am actually typing these while talking to uu.
dammit. im crying. and crying. does anyone knw tt feeling whereby ur hear feel as though its squishing and squashing? tt kinda sour, pain kind of feeling? it sucks. why is tt tt during the day im one person, and in the night im another. what the hell is wrong with me??
why why??
i dont want to update anymre...
im glad to see u this way. rrly. =))
|
it wasnt easy making tt present. teared a few times. i had to recollect, and read all the msges agn. and write it down. so many things went through my mind. it was tough. i wanted to write u a letter too. bd then agn i thought, it wldnt actually do anyth if i were to write u one. so yah. decided nt too.
it was "freshly baked". wanted to do it today because its sm meaningful day. if we hadnt broke up, it wld be 8mths. well, actually today, then i wld consider tt things are finally over between us because i have fufilled all my promises. yea. i cant describe hw im feeling nw. am actually typing these while talking to uu.
dammit. im crying. and crying. does anyone knw tt feeling whereby ur hear feel as though its squishing and squashing? tt kinda sour, pain kind of feeling? it sucks. why is tt tt during the day im one person, and in the night im another. what the hell is wrong with me??
why why??
i dont want to update anymre...
im glad to see u this way. rrly. =))
- tina/teena =)
- sexy seventeen
- 280688
- angmokionorth pri. anderson pri. naval base secondary. catholic jc.
- singapore!
- tinatoh88@hotmail.com
- i am. a procrastinator. full of crap. quite materialistic. vainpot. noisy. pampered. indecisive.
- Loves. orange. black. turqoise. green(my current fav).
- the sun and the sea! suntanning. rollerblading. netball. badminton. swimming. sports.
- shopping. bikinis! clothes! sleeping. eating. talking. music.
- apples. watermelon. oranges. mango. fruits!
- the sweetest buds ard me! nbss clique and current clique.
- Hates. creepy crawlies. insects. breakingup. disappointment. backstabbers. liars. hypocrites.
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