overcome with emotion and fear, i saw my own eyes in the mirror welling with tears. "WHAT THE HELL IS THE MATTER WITH ME?" i screamed. its was as if all my fears, all my inadequacies, all my insecurities were screeching in my head like a thousand little demons well-bent on driving me insane. i felt stinging anger and hatred towards myself and my inability to get a handle on the situation. i looked at all the things i was trying to do, and it seemed so hopeless.
a nice paragraph huh. i read it in a book and decided to note in down.
feel like painting.
*tata
| Monday, November 29, 2004
set out to the gym at my bro's place with alicia in the morning. my sis in law sent us thr. was kinda restless and tired so we stayed in the gym only for awhile. bathed. left our stuff in the car and headed on to town. erms. went to far east first. she wanted to get her stuff. looked ard. im starting to eat agn. bd light meals tho. this will be enough. just stay this way. erms. went to taka and i suggested watching movie. so yea, we did. taxi. had been wanting to watch tt show. its great. hahas. this is the show tt we've wanted to watch together huh. well, yah.
nth much after tt. im kinda tired nw. had been quite listless the whole day. alicia had been telling me tt too. i dont knw wassup with me too. i think i look ugly. bahs.
gd nights.
| Sunday, November 28, 2004
just came back frm my bro's place. went to his place to help him mop the floor. aint i nice? hahas. im nt pampered ok!!! im slpy. bd i cant slp in. going gym tmr in the morning with alicia and then heading on to town. she wants to get a tankini and i wna get sm new stuff. i dont knw, just new stuff.
did i mention tt in the afternoon i saw the lido auntie. (the owner of the cakeshop near my parents shop. they're good friends with my parents.) she asked me if i want to see his grandson. her grandson and me used to be childhood good friends. played alot together. and i do not actually wna see him because it wld be too awkward. i havent seen him for long hw many yrs man. i told my family during dinner. and my sis even mentioned smth abt matchmaking between me and him in the past, when we were young. like urhs. aiyo. whatever.
i miss u like fcuk-
it hurts like fcuk-
its tough-
|
finally i went to see the doc after much persuation. bd i ate the medicine for given once only? bahs. i had mee tai mak at tt mince pork noodle stall which u had many compliments on today for lunch. i brought bei and my bro thr. tt was like the most recent meal we had together.
i always see pictures of us together wherever i go to. do uu?
why am i doing these and feeling all these all over agn?
| Saturday, November 27, 2004
im still having gastric. feeling quite weak still. cldnt rrly slp the whole night. it was tt bad. cried a few times. felt so lonely. felt pathetic too. hah.
woke up early as my sis's gna pick me up. went to her hs then we headed on to town. her friend sent us thr. we dropped her at the salon at goodwoods park then me and him went to taka. he wants to get a microwave oven for my sis. in the end we bought the microwave oven frm best denki. i went to collect her flowers. picked her up then went back to her hs. ceremony took place after awhile. it was cool. quite weird huh. just like 6 days before, we were gone and today, my sis gt married. boo. buffet. came hm ard 2 plus 3. wanted to go out bd i have no place to go so i decided to come hm.
i have no dinner. have to settle my dinner myself so i didnt want to bother my dad to buy it back for me.
painn. painn.
| Friday, November 26, 2004
freak. my gastric is real bad. the whole day. killing me. shall kp this entry short.
went out with sis and her to town to get her stuff. she dragged me to get my eyebrows trimmed at the place called true colours or smth?? the one tt does make up and all at taka. btw did i mentioned tt sm ppl say i look haggard. bahs. anyway, went ikea to get sm stuff. went back to my parents shop in the evening. mum going for my cousin's dinner. did sm simple accounting, closed the shop and here i am. dying. hah.
shld i go to my sis's place tonight?? or else i have to go out early tmr. nd to accompany to get her hair done. maybe get my hair done too. i dont knw. its her engagement tmr.
i have nth to wear. darn.
im so in pain. where are uu?? when ure here most of the time.
2nd day without ur sms.
its hard. bd i have to get use to it yea?
gd nights.
|
.`e.jObLeSs.n`.e.ca$$hLeSs. : : b i K i N i L i C i O u S * * ~ http://bikinilicious.blogspot.com says:
gOd tina.. im crying
.`e.jObLeSs.n`.e.ca$$hLeSs. : : b i K i N i L i C i O u S * * ~ http://bikinilicious.blogspot.com says:
i hate ur blog.
.`e.jObLeSs.n`.e.ca$$hLeSs. : : b i K i N i L i C i O u S * * ~ http://bikinilicious.blogspot.com says:
it makes me sob
tina- *ilu says:
which one??
.`e.jObLeSs.n`.e.ca$$hLeSs. : : b i K i N i L i C i O u S * * ~ http://bikinilicious.blogspot.com says:
u worte evryth in so much details
.`e.jObLeSs.n`.e.ca$$hLeSs. : : b i K i N i L i C i O u S * * ~ http://bikinilicious.blogspot.com says:
u remember all e tings u ever did together
tina- *ilu says:
u mean me and him??
tina- *ilu says:
yea..
.`e.jObLeSs.n`.e.ca$$hLeSs. : : b i K i N i L i C i O u S * * ~ http://bikinilicious.blogspot.com says:
urs n his
tina- *ilu says:
i always doo
.`e.jObLeSs.n`.e.ca$$hLeSs. : : b i K i N i L i C i O u S * * ~ http://bikinilicious.blogspot.com says:
god.
tina- *ilu says:
im crying too
tina- *ilu says:
nw
.`e.jObLeSs.n`.e.ca$$hLeSs. : : b i K i N i L i C i O u S * * ~ http://bikinilicious.blogspot.com says:
if im him.. i wud be so lucky
.`e.jObLeSs.n`.e.ca$$hLeSs. : : b i K i N i L i C i O u S * * ~ http://bikinilicious.blogspot.com says:
damm.
tina- *ilu says:
because i miss him so much
.`e.jObLeSs.n`.e.ca$$hLeSs. : : b i K i N i L i C i O u S * * ~ http://bikinilicious.blogspot.com says:
hey dun cry
.`e.jObLeSs.n`.e.ca$$hLeSs. : : b i K i N i L i C i O u S * * ~ http://bikinilicious.blogspot.com says:
or mebbe u shud
.`e.jObLeSs.n`.e.ca$$hLeSs. : : b i K i N i L i C i O u S * * ~ http://bikinilicious.blogspot.com says:
jus cry n cry
.`e.jObLeSs.n`.e.ca$$hLeSs. : : b i K i N i L i C i O u S * * ~ http://bikinilicious.blogspot.com says:
it'll make u feel betta
.`e.jObLeSs.n`.e.ca$$hLeSs. : : b i K i N i L i C i O u S * * ~ http://bikinilicious.blogspot.com says:
bud u shd cheer up soon yah
.`e.jObLeSs.n`.e.ca$$hLeSs. : : b i K i N i L i C i O u S * * ~ http://bikinilicious.blogspot.com says:
u alweys haf all of us!
tina- *ilu says:
i knw
tina- *ilu says:
today is the first day im alone at hm
.bois.stinks.love.stinks.worst. : : b i K i N i L i C i O u S * * ~ http://bikinilicious.blogspot.com says:
ok dats good.
.bois.stinks.love.stinks.worst. : : b i K i N i L i C i O u S * * ~ http://bikinilicious.blogspot.com says:
just haf e whole day to urself ya
bahs. going out with sis agn. ciaos!
|
Happy birthday jie and bro!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
yes yes. they have the same birthday. interesting huh.
kinda dumb putting tt here because they will nvr see it. bd yah.
brieftly talk abt yesterday. wanted to update my blog last night bd was having this freaking headache for the whole day when i was out. slpt very little the night before and aint feeling well. therefore, decided to turn in early.
as much as i wanted to msg u last night before i turned in. i didnt. wondering if i shld as i fell aslp. i dream of uu.
its the first day without an sms frm u. and frm me to uu. it sucks.
went to my sis's place early in the morning. had my breakfast thr. a piece of prata. after tt, my sis sent me to yck. met my friends at amk. i was late. head on to town. gt tickets for incredibles and the girls went to pasta mania. i didnt eat tho. so i went to walk ard cine for awhile. went shopping. met priss. continued shopping. then it start pouring. ran to cine. the movie was alright. wasnt impressive tho. just quite nice. hahas. when we came out, ming yuan, me and priss went shopping while the rest went to play pool. im nt rrly interested in pool. urhs. yah.
i bought a brown tank top frm mango. believe it or nt. its my first brown top. hahas. wanted to walk all the way back to zara at liat to get the black drop shoulder top tt i saw the day before. was quite lazy so i didnt in the end. hais. still wondering if i shld get it. walked back to lucky plaza to meet them. i introduced them the nasi lemak. remembered where we ate nasi lemak thr? hahas. u introduced it to me and it was rrly quite nice. erms. and soon after we went to scotts. bao-ger for dinner until abt 8. was intending to go back early in the first place and help out in the shop bd i called and said i will be coming hm late. the girls wna talk so we shifted to coffee bean to continue. we were talking and laughing. guess tt was the best part of the day. we talked abt everyth. the sec 2 life. where thr was me and uu. gi and leang. my friends. then, swimming trips with ming yuan. models. priss's swimming. so on. so many.
it felt so good talking abt the past. because it felt as tho i was living in them agn. telling everyone my story. it feels great.
took a taxi frm yck. gt hm. came online. tried doing tt present bd my com. the laptop. bth screwed. i gt to think of sm other ways. went to bed after tt. the headache was killing me.
secretly whispering here- i miss uu.
| Wednesday, November 24, 2004
firstly. i gt to reply to uu.
heys. thns for all those stuff tt u've written in ur blog. yea. i had eyes only on him for the whole of sec sch life. =))
thns for being so concern abt me. i wanted to talk to u the other time actually. because i still wanted u to be my friend. im still concern u abt u too.
its nt tt i dont want to salvage this r/s. bd its too complicated to even understand everyth. and thr's no way to salvage it no matter hw much i want to. i will try nt to fall back to what happened last time. im trying hard nt to fall. learning how to cope things by myself because its time. i've been dependent on him. so. no no nw. i want to learn. as for whether im still kping things to myself. i dont knw. smtimes i just dont wna talk. actually more like nw. i dont feel like saying anyth to anyone.
thns babe. u take care too. my gastric's nt getting me yet. bd still. i havent been eating well tho. cyas.
met fifi for lunch in town. shopped together for awhile then she left. so i continued shopping alone for sometime. havent actually been alone for awhile bd it seems pretty ok nw. its just tt i dont have other's opinion. bahs. bd i shld try to make decisions by myself. met my sis and her bf. gt their rings. went to ikea to buy my sofa bed for her hs. i gt a red one. then my sis sent me back to my parents shop to help. tt's pretty much abt what happened today.
to tt special uu.
i wont blame u for anyth ok. pls pls take care of urself. dont let me worry abt uu. just as i told ya in the sms. im always one call away. if u need to talk to anyone, abt anyth. just pick up ur phone and i'll be thr in a jiffy. oh and another thing. i guess u might be playing ur games till late in the night bd still. look at the time. slp when its time.
i guess ure watching CSI nw. hah.
take care ppl.
|
aint feeling too well today. headache. abit feverish. guess i caught a cold. walked in the rain and shared chrysanthemum with my sick sis. bd i dont care. im going out today. with my sis and the bf. hah. what a combi. might head on to town alone to read and rot at sm coffee clubs by myself.
forgive whoever has done me wrong. and to whoever i've done wrong to. forgive me. pls.
let bygones. be bygones. anyway. im too tired to fight. and to struggle.
| Tuesday, November 23, 2004
mum been asking me who's the guy i kept talking to on the phone. for soo long. and sometimes. it seems like we're quarrelling. she said tt it isnt only her tt realised. my dad too. started like on sat or smth tt she started asking. yesterday was worse. and this morning. she asked. tt guy is the sec 5 guy or the the one tt stays near our hs. the one tt u always go to the hawker centre with. and guess what. they're bth the same guy. nel. i kept telling her nth. she asked me alot of questions. i dont knw hw to ans. and in the afternoon. i told her. ayes. even if thr's smth. its over. so stop asking me. thr. it ended. she stop probing.
i think im just gna keep most things to myself nw. no one seems to rrly rrly understand me. like what i said in the previous entry. deceptions. i hate them too. i dont knw what to do. i dont knw who to listen to. i dont understand many things. bd perhaps. nth matters nw. because so what if i totally get it. totally understand whats going on. who's the one at fault at all. i'll still achieve nth. no one seems to care. no one seems to wna clear things up. so. i decided to just let the whole matter rest. i'll just treat everyone the same way tt i've been treating them.
its tough.
was out today. i felt like a walking zombie. havent been thinking abt anyth. i dont even feel anyth. numb. guess tt's the word.
im just walking and walking and walking...
|
why are things turning out to be this way. i feel so caught in the middle. who the heck am i suppose to believe. i hate all these. yah. there's so much deception. so much confusion. i want to live my life like before. where there's nth bd love. love b/w me and him. love amg my friends. love in my famliy.
i have a simple wish. i want everyone ard me to be healthy and happy. i want everyone to be true to each other. am i asking too much??
i didnt slpt the whole of last night. my eyes hurt. i feel faint.
| Sunday, November 21, 2004
came back this morning ard 7 plus. took a cab with fifi and gi. erms. overall it was fun. guess talking to my gfs was the best part. we talked and talked. laughed and laughed. and cried together. lols. we gt emotional yesterday. guess i havent talked to them for such a long time. guess it may be the last time to see everyone in my class get together. we were close. everyone was concern abt each other. everyone was nice and sweet to everyone. esp within our grp. actually, im talking abt our grp. hahas. i like tt feeling.
we bladed together. talked and chillied out together. listened to each other. the ghost story part was scary. gossip. played card games. bbq. throughout the day and night.
im having bodyaches. im tired. i came back and slept for like four hrs. wanted to wake up ltr bd i cant seem to slp. havent been slping well. even the night before i went for the bbq. i didnt rrly slp.
i dislike being alone. ok. maybe most of the time.
i love my gfs. thank uu everyone.
i love uu too.
| Friday, November 19, 2004
-sigh.
what an opening huh.
nw tt the exams are over. i feel scared. i handed up the paper, i smiled. instantly, i felt relieve and happy. bd seconds after. i felt rrly tired. i felt sad. and im still feeling sad. i think sad is just an understatement actually. i cant seem to find any word. in fact, i dont even knw hw exactly im feeling.
i havent rrly been someone tt can express her feelings well. express her thoughts, basically, expressing herself. this is just the way i am. though, i've been trying to change tt. it isnt exactly good. hmm. i guess so. coming to tt. just nw fifi talked to me. she asked me to talk. she said i have to tell ppl hw i feel and let them knw what im thinking. bd sometimes its rrly nt tt easy. im nt gd at it man. and sometimes because of tt, i hurt the ppl ard me. in smway or another. its either i dont say or i express myself wrongly. which is pretty screwed at times. tt gets me frustrated.
i tend to avoid conflict. quoted frm fifi. i like to think tt its ok. everyth's ok. nvm. just let them be. let them create their own impression of me. or. ayes. just let things stay the way it is.
going mar's bdae partee tmr at ecp. might nt be staying over. guess it'll be fun.
im nt happy. are uu??
i miss uu. i miss what we used to have. what abt uu?
i love uu.
| Thursday, November 18, 2004
darn. a maths paper 2 wasnt ok at all man. it was pretty tough. bd hopefully. i mean hopefully. my paper 1 is enough to make me pass. hee.
alright. tmr's the last paper. suppose to feel very very very very happy. afterall, this is what all of us have been working for. isnt it?? its like an end. bd. im just happy. starting to feel quite lost. feeling lost is what i expected when the exams are over. and im alrdy starting to experience tt. what am i gna do?? right. i wna do many things. my to-do-list. bd. what shld i do first?? hw?
thr's also smth tt has to be settled. i dont knw when. i dont think i wna knw when too. let things come their way. hmm. yup. guess maybe why im nt like estatic is because of tt.
alright. gna start studying my chemistry soon. shall work hard since it marks the end of the big Os.
i miss u. yes. tt's uu.
| Thursday, November 11, 2004
bahs. i no longer have the confidence tt i can get into a jc. i no longer have the confidence of doing anyth.
i miss uu.
|
im bored. i dont feel like studying. so yah.
yesrerday's bio was tough man. made so many careless mistake in paper 1. sheesh. arggghhhhh. bda anyway, my bio was nvr gd. so i guess its ok huh. i just have to depend on the other 2 sciences tt are pretty much the same. ayes. screwed.
lalalalalalalalalalla...whatever....
| Thursday, November 04, 2004
was thinking if i shld come online. and nw im heree. so ya. had been doing amaths. and its driving me crazzyyy. i seriously do not knw hw im gna pass. bd i rrly rrly rrly rrly wna pass. at least a pass ehs.
todays emaths paper wasnt too bad. better than i thought it wld be. bd it wasnt easy too. shall work on paper 2 and hopefully, i mean hopefully i can get an A. shall pray hard. erms. as for eng, p1 wasnt too gd. bd i guess p2 was alright.
okie doki. ciaos!!
| Tuesday, November 02, 2004
yup. the big Os are here. hahas. been mugging. yah. its like muh last chance. of course.
yesterday's hmt paper wasnt too tough. bd it wasnt easy too. hmt paper is nvr easy. i nvr get a distiniction before. dont rrly have high hopes for it tho. hopefully can get like a b3 or smth?? ayes. i dont knw. alright. and today's SS paper was pretty ok. nt too bad. hmm. shall say tt all tt i've studied came out? bd then agn. studying and writing it down is different. i rrly do nt knw hw things will turn out to be. although, yes, u will knw ur stuff if u studied. bd its just different ehs? nw why do i feel tt im crapping?? i think i am. i feel tt im just typing words. typing and typing.
im slpy and slpy and slpy...
- tina/teena =)
- sexy seventeen
- 280688
- angmokionorth pri. anderson pri. naval base secondary. catholic jc.
- singapore!
- tinatoh88@hotmail.com
- i am. a procrastinator. full of crap. quite materialistic. vainpot. noisy. pampered. indecisive.
- Loves. orange. black. turqoise. green(my current fav).
- the sun and the sea! suntanning. rollerblading. netball. badminton. swimming. sports.
- shopping. bikinis! clothes! sleeping. eating. talking. music.
- apples. watermelon. oranges. mango. fruits!
- the sweetest buds ard me! nbss clique and current clique.
- Hates. creepy crawlies. insects. breakingup. disappointment. backstabbers. liars. hypocrites.
gillian
tiffany
jaymie
alicia
alicia(nbss)
jillian
kahyee
benedict
kairenk
kenneth
raihanah
weilin
cornelius
michelle
elena
jeslyn
christopher
aloysius
shunxie
the shots.
ndp/club
racial harmony
hollandv
birthdaypics
random sch pics
credits:
[danhan&]
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